“Life is creation -- self and circumstances, the raw material.”
-- Dorothy M. Richardson
Few people have a clear understanding of the basics of how our lives unfold. If life were a game, most of us would not know the rules, where the goal posts are or even if there are goal posts.
Do you know how to experience and get the most out of life?
Do you know how to influence life to creatively manifest what you want?
We have created this simple road map to explain the fundamentals of how we experience life and of how we can create a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship with it. Here is our sense of how our lives unfold:
1. We exist in a web of influences …
Each moment, we are bombarded with influences through our senses, perceptions, instincts, intelligence and intuition. These influences come from both outside and inside of us, and include sensations, thoughts, emotions, family dynamics, work, social culture, psychism, media, ideals, mass consciousness, higher guidance ... and the list goes on.
2. Sometimes we are conscious of these influences, but most of the time, our subconscious mind processes them without our awareness.
If we had to consciously process all of these influences, we would go crazy. Fortunately, we have a subconscious mind that filters this input. Just as subconscious systems oversee our breathing, heartbeats, chemical reactions and all the other miraculous functions of the human body, the subconscious mind has belief systems and habitual ways for managing all that life offers to us.
Some of the subconscious mind’s patterns are helpful, like automatically tying our shoes. However, the subconscious mind stores many beliefs we adopted in our early years that may have been helpful once but aren’t any longer. Yet these outdated subconscious beliefs automatically define perceptions, expectations, reactions and defences to assist our ego in handling (or ignoring and mishandling) the incoming stimuli.
Most of the time, we are totally unaware of how the subconscious creates our reality. We are triggered by something and unconsciously we react from our old programming. In fact, we can function so well on autopilot that we have no idea just how unconscious we typically are as we navigate through each day.
3. The more conscious we are, the more we can choose experiences that support us.
When we live our lives unconsciously on autopilot, we lack freedom and choice in how we experience life. Without awareness, we stay stuck in ruts. Our future mirrors our past. Nothing or very little changes, and this can lead to frustration, disappointment and even despair as we fail to realize our dreams.
The good news is that we can take ourselves off of autopilot. We can stop and pay attention, and intentionally explore our thoughts, feelings, behaviors and insights. We can become conscious of our subconscious, habitual patterns. We can consciously choose new perspectives to override old programming, so we can explore new experiences and create new possibilities for our lives.
4. With intention, we can fully engage life, alter inner programming and manifest a new and better future.
As we develop the discipline to pay attention to our experiences, we become empowered to grow ourselves and manifest what we truly want in life. We learn how to use the incredible powers of the mind constructively and creatively. We discover how to purposefully set intention and how to engage, anchor and integrate new ideas and ideals so they become part of our being and naturally attract to us. As we learn how to raise our consciousness, we connect with a bigger picture that makes more sense of the little pieces.
We also learn the art of balance so necessary for successful manifestation. Yes, we need to make some effort to create inner change, but we also need to let go – to surrender and trust the process of life and universal laws. We experience the appreciation and gratitude that arise naturally and support our new relationship with life.
As a summary:
1. We are continually bombarded with many influences.
2. Our subconscious mind filters many of these influences through old programming that defines our perceptions and behaviors, and we are not aware that this is happening.
3. If we want our experience of life to change, then we must become aware of what is now unconscious so we can override our habitual patterns and choose differently.
4. With intention, we can engage and anchor what we want in life so it is more naturally attracted to us.
Find your way to happiness and fulfillment through higher awareness and creative manifesting!
• What influences are affecting you now?
• What do you want to change in your life?
• How committed are you to doing what’s needed to become more aware?
• What goals and dreams do you want to anchor and attract to you?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Parenting Secrets
Only wise and loving parenting will enable a child to realise his/her true potential, to be a loving and gentle human being and to develop robust self-esteem. here, three successful parents share their secrets
Ever watched a bird building its nest? Day by day, from the time the sun rises to the time the sun sets, the proud parents diligently collect twigs and leaves, preparing to welcome the young one on its way. And then, when the baby bird opens its teeny eyes to the world, screeching and squealing for food, watch how the mother bird gently fixes her beak in the tiny mouth, dropping the morsel, grain-by-grain—an extraordinary experience, beyond words and human telling, even impossible to capture in the lens!
Such is the experience of parenting. A child is born to a couple and a family begins. If man is a social being, families are intrinsic to his survival. And yet, with multiple pressures weighing on us, while joint families is a distant phenomenon, even nuclear familial bonds are fraying at the seams. Delhi-based Dr Monica Kumar, consulting child psychiatrist at Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (VIMHANS), says, “Cases of divorce and single parenting are numerous nowadays. Another common phenomenon is internal divorce. Although under a single roof, the couple stop communicating with each other and the child becomes the go-between forcing him to assume a mature role that he cannot handle.”
Stephen R. Covey, motivational writer and trainer, writes in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, “Social life is fractured. We now live in a world that values personal freedom and independence more than responsibility and interdependence…escape from responsibility and accountability is available everywhere.”
“It’s not that parents are unaware of their responsibility,” says Geeta Chandran, Bharatanatyam dancer and a mother of one. “Rather, they try to fill in the gaps by showering material comforts like expensive clothes, posh cars and luxurious holidays. For lack of time, parents often leave their children at the mercy of the servants—converting them into ‘urban orphans.’”
To be fair, parenthood is a hard task. As an article, Parenting as a Spiritual Path by Gloria Deckro, in www.spiritofchange.org, beautifully puts it, “The step into parenthood is an initiation in the truest sense of the word—a huge leap into the unknown. We suddenly find ourselves with 24-hour-a-day responsibility for another human being who is totally dependent on us. Our children test us, they call on us to face unhealed baggage from our own childhood, and they inspire us to dig deep for resources that we never knew we had. Ultimately our mission is to support and guide them to the point where they can leave us and move on.”
Parenting then involves a tremendous amount of insight, awareness, positive thinking and skill. Yet despite the odds, some parents strive to bring up their children with love and understanding and to create a harmonious family culture.
Invest in your family No family intends to blame, shame, accuse or ridicule each other. And yet, war breaks out. A happy family is not God-gifted. It requires a conscious investment of time, love, understanding and above all, prioritisation. “I remember spending my summer vacations every year at my grandmother’s place with all my cousins from every nook and corner of the world. The bonding that we developed then is the secret of our unity today,” recalls Geeta Chandran.
Allocate a specific day as a family day. Uma Kumar, pushing 60, a teacher in a Delhi-based school and a grandmother of four, says, “An unofficial Sunday was officially declared by my husband and me as the ‘family day’. We would begin with sharing bed tea with our children, followed by brunch at a restaurant, and then perhaps a movie. The basic idea was to do things together. And we parents made sure that the time spent together was truly enjoyable!”
Says Geeta Chandran, “My daughter is blessed to have been born in a joint family, harbouring four generations under a single roof. All of us make it a point to be together at dinnertime, so much so that we usually decline dinner invitations, unless it’s very important.”
Communication skills The late Dr Haim G. Ginnot, clinical psychologist and parent educator, wrote in his book, Between Parent and Child that the tragedy of wrong communication often lies “not in the lack of caring but in a lack of understanding; not in a lack of intelligence, but in a lack of knowledge…” To improve communication with our children, he suggests we use “a language that is protective of feelings, not critical of behaviour—a language that we use with guests and strangers.” Replace sermons, criticism and advice with the healing balm of understanding. Acknowledge your child’s strong feelings as a purely natural part of the human experience. Ginnot described this as, “Fish swim, birds fly and people feel.”
Dr Monica Kumar concedes, “The child must have the assurance that his parents will accept his thoughts, and that he will not face any ridicule or rejection.”
Says Anjali Nayyar, daughter of Uma Kumar and mother of two, “I’ve always treated my kids as individuals whose say in the family matters. At times, I might not like what they say, even feel the urge to correct them, but it’s important to control your reactions.” “Make an offer to your child—May I say what I think about this? If the answer is a ‘yes’, proceed, but if it’s a ‘no’, do not pursue,” says Uma Kumar.
Give space In a recent article in Reader’s Digest, Ran Morrish, a behaviour specialist, points out, “We used to use the strap, to intimidate. Then we had permissiveness, and now it’s about giving children choices and allowing them to learn from their own experiences.” No child likes to be owned or possessed. So it’s best to teach your child as a friend—to talk with him, not talk to him.
However, there is a thin line between freedom and discipline. How does one draw it? When Anjali’s 12-year-old son snapped, “You’re my remote control,” she thought it was imperative for her to make him understand that being more experienced, it was her duty to correct him. Says Dr Monica Kumar, “Freedom means freedom in decision-making, independence in making a choice, not freedom of doing anything and everything.” Freedom thus must go hand-in-hand with responsibility. Be consistent, avoid negotiations, and let your child know gently that you are the final seat of authority.
Express your love In a recent lecture, Swami Parthasarathy said, “Make your home the centre of your love, not the boundary.” Taking the argument further, Dr Monica maintains, “The self-syndrome has become so strong that sharing has now become secondary. Give up the ‘I’, and you’ll feel love.” But the seeds need to be sown from the beginning. Parents naturally love their kids. But good parenting develops love and respect for the parents in a child. Your child understands love and respects expression in love. Uma Kumar points out, “Children often hear their parents fighting, but never see them loving and caring for each other. Whenever my husband felt like hugging me, he would do so in front of the kids. At times, they too would join in. Fighting and loving are a part of life. And one should show them so.” Echoes daughter Anjali Nayyar, “Teach your child how to care and share, and he’ll feel love. I often lie by my kids’ side, give them a tight hug and exchange the magical phrase ‘I love you’. It fill us with a newer feeling each time, making the bond stronger and the shared moments more meaningful.”
Encourage sibling bonding “Anjali recently told me that of all the childhood memories, it’s the time that she spent with her brother in their little room that means the most to her. So much has it been a part of her psyche that now her own kids share a single room!” chirps Uma Kumar. So what if brothers part and sisters get married? Family get-togethers, birthday bashes, festivals and family pujas are the best ways to stay in touch. Technology has spanned great distances—you can now sweep continents with a simple click of the mouse!
Bringing up daddy More and more fathers are actively participating in the joys and anguish of parenthood. Says Geeta Chandran, “My daughter shares a special bond with her father. They argue, fight and even indulge in physical fights. It’s wonderful to see them together, so oblivious of anything beyond themselves!” Recalls Uma Kumar, “I’ve always marvelled at my husband’s capacity to laugh at his own shortcomings. It’s a wonderful quality that delivers an important lesson to your child—that imperfection is only human.”
Practice rituals “I think rituals are the means to instil values in your child,” opines Anjali Nayyar. Values cannot be taught directly. A child, through emulation of the people he loves and respects, can only absorb them. Confesses Uma Kumar, “My son recently told me that the values I spoke of when he was a kid, seemed useless then, but today they assist him in making important decisions.” She credits the Chinmaya Mission’s Bal Vihar classes for his receptivity. Through simple rituals, scriptures and fables, values like honesty, justice, truthfulness, etc. are instilled in a child.
According to Geeta Chandran, “Being secular is the fashion of the day. But one needs to understand that secularism means respecting all religions, not withholding religious practices. A child must be conscious of his Indian identity. He should be grounded in Indian mythology and scriptures. Once this is done, the final decision should be the child’s—to accept or reject it at his will.”
Rituals and traditions enrich our lives, generating a sense of continuity. Recalls Geeta Chandran, “In my childhood days, my cousins and I would chant shlokas, and gradually a calm, soothing feeling would overcome me. Today this has become a part of my regular routine.” Uma Kumar rejoices, “ My children have continued the Bal Vihar tradition with their own children. So now we all can collectively recite the Gayatri Mantra. The feeling that we share, down three generations, is too wonderful for words.”
Spiritual methods Says Mimi Doe, author of 10 Principles of Spiritual Parenting, “You aren’t parenting alone; you are co-parenting with God. Children come to us with a natural connection to spirit. Thank them for picking you to be their earthly parent. Realise that these souls don’t belong to you, but exist in a much broader, eternal reality. What a blessing it is to help them blossom into their own unique selves.” Understanding this is the essence of parenting. We are merely spiritual guides with a sacred responsibility of helping the child to see himself as a human being in its true essence, reflecting back to a child his strengths and qualities like sunlight falling on a plant. This mirroring gives direction to a child and helps her to realise her potential.
Understanding this cuts short our expectations automatically. Says Gloria Deckro, “As a parent, we are so emotionally involved that our own hopes, needs and aspirations tend to cloud our vision. The shift towards seeing and valuing our children for who they are, as much as for what they do, is very important.
Try to meditate on your child. Take a few moments alone and turn your awareness within. Then let go of all preconceptions, and looking through the eyes of love, allow your child’s strengths and positive qualities to come into view. This quiet contemplation helps one to later be aware of the child’s positive qualities as they emerge in everyday life. Whether you see humour, compassion, truth, creativity, reflect it back and celebrate it with your child.”
Ever watched a bird building its nest? Day by day, from the time the sun rises to the time the sun sets, the proud parents diligently collect twigs and leaves, preparing to welcome the young one on its way. And then, when the baby bird opens its teeny eyes to the world, screeching and squealing for food, watch how the mother bird gently fixes her beak in the tiny mouth, dropping the morsel, grain-by-grain—an extraordinary experience, beyond words and human telling, even impossible to capture in the lens!
Such is the experience of parenting. A child is born to a couple and a family begins. If man is a social being, families are intrinsic to his survival. And yet, with multiple pressures weighing on us, while joint families is a distant phenomenon, even nuclear familial bonds are fraying at the seams. Delhi-based Dr Monica Kumar, consulting child psychiatrist at Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (VIMHANS), says, “Cases of divorce and single parenting are numerous nowadays. Another common phenomenon is internal divorce. Although under a single roof, the couple stop communicating with each other and the child becomes the go-between forcing him to assume a mature role that he cannot handle.”
Stephen R. Covey, motivational writer and trainer, writes in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, “Social life is fractured. We now live in a world that values personal freedom and independence more than responsibility and interdependence…escape from responsibility and accountability is available everywhere.”
“It’s not that parents are unaware of their responsibility,” says Geeta Chandran, Bharatanatyam dancer and a mother of one. “Rather, they try to fill in the gaps by showering material comforts like expensive clothes, posh cars and luxurious holidays. For lack of time, parents often leave their children at the mercy of the servants—converting them into ‘urban orphans.’”
To be fair, parenthood is a hard task. As an article, Parenting as a Spiritual Path by Gloria Deckro, in www.spiritofchange.org, beautifully puts it, “The step into parenthood is an initiation in the truest sense of the word—a huge leap into the unknown. We suddenly find ourselves with 24-hour-a-day responsibility for another human being who is totally dependent on us. Our children test us, they call on us to face unhealed baggage from our own childhood, and they inspire us to dig deep for resources that we never knew we had. Ultimately our mission is to support and guide them to the point where they can leave us and move on.”
Parenting then involves a tremendous amount of insight, awareness, positive thinking and skill. Yet despite the odds, some parents strive to bring up their children with love and understanding and to create a harmonious family culture.
Invest in your family No family intends to blame, shame, accuse or ridicule each other. And yet, war breaks out. A happy family is not God-gifted. It requires a conscious investment of time, love, understanding and above all, prioritisation. “I remember spending my summer vacations every year at my grandmother’s place with all my cousins from every nook and corner of the world. The bonding that we developed then is the secret of our unity today,” recalls Geeta Chandran.
Allocate a specific day as a family day. Uma Kumar, pushing 60, a teacher in a Delhi-based school and a grandmother of four, says, “An unofficial Sunday was officially declared by my husband and me as the ‘family day’. We would begin with sharing bed tea with our children, followed by brunch at a restaurant, and then perhaps a movie. The basic idea was to do things together. And we parents made sure that the time spent together was truly enjoyable!”
Says Geeta Chandran, “My daughter is blessed to have been born in a joint family, harbouring four generations under a single roof. All of us make it a point to be together at dinnertime, so much so that we usually decline dinner invitations, unless it’s very important.”
Communication skills The late Dr Haim G. Ginnot, clinical psychologist and parent educator, wrote in his book, Between Parent and Child that the tragedy of wrong communication often lies “not in the lack of caring but in a lack of understanding; not in a lack of intelligence, but in a lack of knowledge…” To improve communication with our children, he suggests we use “a language that is protective of feelings, not critical of behaviour—a language that we use with guests and strangers.” Replace sermons, criticism and advice with the healing balm of understanding. Acknowledge your child’s strong feelings as a purely natural part of the human experience. Ginnot described this as, “Fish swim, birds fly and people feel.”
Dr Monica Kumar concedes, “The child must have the assurance that his parents will accept his thoughts, and that he will not face any ridicule or rejection.”
Says Anjali Nayyar, daughter of Uma Kumar and mother of two, “I’ve always treated my kids as individuals whose say in the family matters. At times, I might not like what they say, even feel the urge to correct them, but it’s important to control your reactions.” “Make an offer to your child—May I say what I think about this? If the answer is a ‘yes’, proceed, but if it’s a ‘no’, do not pursue,” says Uma Kumar.
Give space In a recent article in Reader’s Digest, Ran Morrish, a behaviour specialist, points out, “We used to use the strap, to intimidate. Then we had permissiveness, and now it’s about giving children choices and allowing them to learn from their own experiences.” No child likes to be owned or possessed. So it’s best to teach your child as a friend—to talk with him, not talk to him.
However, there is a thin line between freedom and discipline. How does one draw it? When Anjali’s 12-year-old son snapped, “You’re my remote control,” she thought it was imperative for her to make him understand that being more experienced, it was her duty to correct him. Says Dr Monica Kumar, “Freedom means freedom in decision-making, independence in making a choice, not freedom of doing anything and everything.” Freedom thus must go hand-in-hand with responsibility. Be consistent, avoid negotiations, and let your child know gently that you are the final seat of authority.
Express your love In a recent lecture, Swami Parthasarathy said, “Make your home the centre of your love, not the boundary.” Taking the argument further, Dr Monica maintains, “The self-syndrome has become so strong that sharing has now become secondary. Give up the ‘I’, and you’ll feel love.” But the seeds need to be sown from the beginning. Parents naturally love their kids. But good parenting develops love and respect for the parents in a child. Your child understands love and respects expression in love. Uma Kumar points out, “Children often hear their parents fighting, but never see them loving and caring for each other. Whenever my husband felt like hugging me, he would do so in front of the kids. At times, they too would join in. Fighting and loving are a part of life. And one should show them so.” Echoes daughter Anjali Nayyar, “Teach your child how to care and share, and he’ll feel love. I often lie by my kids’ side, give them a tight hug and exchange the magical phrase ‘I love you’. It fill us with a newer feeling each time, making the bond stronger and the shared moments more meaningful.”
Encourage sibling bonding “Anjali recently told me that of all the childhood memories, it’s the time that she spent with her brother in their little room that means the most to her. So much has it been a part of her psyche that now her own kids share a single room!” chirps Uma Kumar. So what if brothers part and sisters get married? Family get-togethers, birthday bashes, festivals and family pujas are the best ways to stay in touch. Technology has spanned great distances—you can now sweep continents with a simple click of the mouse!
Bringing up daddy More and more fathers are actively participating in the joys and anguish of parenthood. Says Geeta Chandran, “My daughter shares a special bond with her father. They argue, fight and even indulge in physical fights. It’s wonderful to see them together, so oblivious of anything beyond themselves!” Recalls Uma Kumar, “I’ve always marvelled at my husband’s capacity to laugh at his own shortcomings. It’s a wonderful quality that delivers an important lesson to your child—that imperfection is only human.”
Practice rituals “I think rituals are the means to instil values in your child,” opines Anjali Nayyar. Values cannot be taught directly. A child, through emulation of the people he loves and respects, can only absorb them. Confesses Uma Kumar, “My son recently told me that the values I spoke of when he was a kid, seemed useless then, but today they assist him in making important decisions.” She credits the Chinmaya Mission’s Bal Vihar classes for his receptivity. Through simple rituals, scriptures and fables, values like honesty, justice, truthfulness, etc. are instilled in a child.
According to Geeta Chandran, “Being secular is the fashion of the day. But one needs to understand that secularism means respecting all religions, not withholding religious practices. A child must be conscious of his Indian identity. He should be grounded in Indian mythology and scriptures. Once this is done, the final decision should be the child’s—to accept or reject it at his will.”
Rituals and traditions enrich our lives, generating a sense of continuity. Recalls Geeta Chandran, “In my childhood days, my cousins and I would chant shlokas, and gradually a calm, soothing feeling would overcome me. Today this has become a part of my regular routine.” Uma Kumar rejoices, “ My children have continued the Bal Vihar tradition with their own children. So now we all can collectively recite the Gayatri Mantra. The feeling that we share, down three generations, is too wonderful for words.”
Spiritual methods Says Mimi Doe, author of 10 Principles of Spiritual Parenting, “You aren’t parenting alone; you are co-parenting with God. Children come to us with a natural connection to spirit. Thank them for picking you to be their earthly parent. Realise that these souls don’t belong to you, but exist in a much broader, eternal reality. What a blessing it is to help them blossom into their own unique selves.” Understanding this is the essence of parenting. We are merely spiritual guides with a sacred responsibility of helping the child to see himself as a human being in its true essence, reflecting back to a child his strengths and qualities like sunlight falling on a plant. This mirroring gives direction to a child and helps her to realise her potential.
Understanding this cuts short our expectations automatically. Says Gloria Deckro, “As a parent, we are so emotionally involved that our own hopes, needs and aspirations tend to cloud our vision. The shift towards seeing and valuing our children for who they are, as much as for what they do, is very important.
Try to meditate on your child. Take a few moments alone and turn your awareness within. Then let go of all preconceptions, and looking through the eyes of love, allow your child’s strengths and positive qualities to come into view. This quiet contemplation helps one to later be aware of the child’s positive qualities as they emerge in everyday life. Whether you see humour, compassion, truth, creativity, reflect it back and celebrate it with your child.”
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Caterpillar and the Butterfly: the Law of Transformatio
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." --Richard Bach
This quote, despite its simplicity, is my favorite quote of all time because in its simplicity it expresses the complex cycle of all existence. Everything that can be called life continually, willingly, destroys itself in order to renew itself.
We see this in physical terms when we observe the processes of nature: from the cycle of the seasons, to natural "disasters," to the evaporation of water. And yes, from the transformation of the caterpillar into the butterfly. We see it in our own bodies too as our cells willingly die in order to be replaced with new ones: we can scratch our heads and watch dead skin cells fall to the ground and though we can't see it, the cells within us die off too so that our organs are continuously regenerated.
Which leads me to pondering: since physical life is a mirror of nonphysical life, wouldn't physical law provide a hint into universal law? I believe it does. We see this Law of Transformation happening not only in nature and in our bodies, but in spiritual and psychological terms as well.
In spiritual terms the Soul destroys and renews its physical forms just as nature does. Those physical forms happen to be us. It continually, willingly, creates and destroys various physical selves in an eternal cycle in order to renew, expand, and grow.
As a human being we are born and we die much like the leaf of a tree is born and dies. But we are the tree too. The tree part of us is our inner being, the Soul. We are uncomfortable with this process when we do not understand that we are the tree and that we live on even as we "die." If we look upon death through the eyes of the caterpillar, we see the end of ourselves. But if we look through the eyes of the Master within, the Soul, we see death as a mere transition into more.
Psychologically the Law of Transformation is well under operation too. Old beliefs must die and be replaced with new ones if we want to grow--and if we don't replace them we remain stunted and lifeless in our being. Since belief is cause it determines the circumstances we attract into our lives and so it is natural and normal and healthy that circumstances also be destroyed and created fresh: a marriage ends, we become ill, we lose our job.
When we resist these little "deaths" we miss the opportunity they provide for personal transformation. If that is the case, we simply regenerate new circumstances that sadly mirror the old ones and nothing in our lives appears to change. However, when we understand that these "end of the world" moments are pivotal to our life purpose we can make the leap towards knowing and fulfilling that purpose.
A caterpillar event occurs and we have the choice to view it from the caterpillar's perspective (the limited view of the ego/personality) or from the Master's perspective (the eternal view of the Soul.) From the Master's perspective a disaster is not a disaster at all but the necessary and wonderful adventure into a bigger life--the butterfly life.
But in order for that adventure to take place we must develop such a deep level of trust and faith in the unknown that we leap into it willingly and enthusiastically and tell our confidence and courage to simply catch up with us later. That is the work we must do. It is rooted in alignment, not struggle.
I believe that the Law of Transformation is at work right now not only in the individual life, but in the collective life as well: in humanity's collective Soul. All around us we see a world breaking down--financial crisis, environmental crisis, political crisis, religious and ethnic crisis in the forms of war and terrorism. Could it be that this is not the end of the world, but the call to transition as a human race to the next level of our evolution? Are we simply collectively transforming from the caterpillar to the butterfly?
I believe we are. What a glorious time! To make this leap successful requires every individuated aspect of the collective Soul--every human being--to make a personal leap of faith in their own lives and to choose to commit to finding and fulfilling their individual purpose for being here. Instead of viewing the current circumstance of your life as disastrous, what if you chose to view them as the bugle call to greater happiness, freedom, and a more meaningful way of living?
It is frightening to leave the safe ground where the caterpillar dwells and to enter a cocoon of unknowingness. But the reward, the sweet reward...is to discover your capability for flight.
This quote, despite its simplicity, is my favorite quote of all time because in its simplicity it expresses the complex cycle of all existence. Everything that can be called life continually, willingly, destroys itself in order to renew itself.
We see this in physical terms when we observe the processes of nature: from the cycle of the seasons, to natural "disasters," to the evaporation of water. And yes, from the transformation of the caterpillar into the butterfly. We see it in our own bodies too as our cells willingly die in order to be replaced with new ones: we can scratch our heads and watch dead skin cells fall to the ground and though we can't see it, the cells within us die off too so that our organs are continuously regenerated.
Which leads me to pondering: since physical life is a mirror of nonphysical life, wouldn't physical law provide a hint into universal law? I believe it does. We see this Law of Transformation happening not only in nature and in our bodies, but in spiritual and psychological terms as well.
In spiritual terms the Soul destroys and renews its physical forms just as nature does. Those physical forms happen to be us. It continually, willingly, creates and destroys various physical selves in an eternal cycle in order to renew, expand, and grow.
As a human being we are born and we die much like the leaf of a tree is born and dies. But we are the tree too. The tree part of us is our inner being, the Soul. We are uncomfortable with this process when we do not understand that we are the tree and that we live on even as we "die." If we look upon death through the eyes of the caterpillar, we see the end of ourselves. But if we look through the eyes of the Master within, the Soul, we see death as a mere transition into more.
Psychologically the Law of Transformation is well under operation too. Old beliefs must die and be replaced with new ones if we want to grow--and if we don't replace them we remain stunted and lifeless in our being. Since belief is cause it determines the circumstances we attract into our lives and so it is natural and normal and healthy that circumstances also be destroyed and created fresh: a marriage ends, we become ill, we lose our job.
When we resist these little "deaths" we miss the opportunity they provide for personal transformation. If that is the case, we simply regenerate new circumstances that sadly mirror the old ones and nothing in our lives appears to change. However, when we understand that these "end of the world" moments are pivotal to our life purpose we can make the leap towards knowing and fulfilling that purpose.
A caterpillar event occurs and we have the choice to view it from the caterpillar's perspective (the limited view of the ego/personality) or from the Master's perspective (the eternal view of the Soul.) From the Master's perspective a disaster is not a disaster at all but the necessary and wonderful adventure into a bigger life--the butterfly life.
But in order for that adventure to take place we must develop such a deep level of trust and faith in the unknown that we leap into it willingly and enthusiastically and tell our confidence and courage to simply catch up with us later. That is the work we must do. It is rooted in alignment, not struggle.
I believe that the Law of Transformation is at work right now not only in the individual life, but in the collective life as well: in humanity's collective Soul. All around us we see a world breaking down--financial crisis, environmental crisis, political crisis, religious and ethnic crisis in the forms of war and terrorism. Could it be that this is not the end of the world, but the call to transition as a human race to the next level of our evolution? Are we simply collectively transforming from the caterpillar to the butterfly?
I believe we are. What a glorious time! To make this leap successful requires every individuated aspect of the collective Soul--every human being--to make a personal leap of faith in their own lives and to choose to commit to finding and fulfilling their individual purpose for being here. Instead of viewing the current circumstance of your life as disastrous, what if you chose to view them as the bugle call to greater happiness, freedom, and a more meaningful way of living?
It is frightening to leave the safe ground where the caterpillar dwells and to enter a cocoon of unknowingness. But the reward, the sweet reward...is to discover your capability for flight.
Monday, March 8, 2010
100% Responsible by Pegine Echevarria
There is a lot of talk these days about responsibility.
Finger pointing at others for the conditions that we are
experiencing. The truth is that we, you and I, have to take
one hundred percent responsibility for the condition that we
are in. I'm talking about what is happening in your world,
mind, home, job, family and finances.
You are 100% responsible for what you have. You made certain
choices along the way that resulted in what you are
experiencing right now. The condition you are in physically,
intellectually, fiscally, emotionally, spiritually is 100%
your responsibility.
Jack Canfield in his book "The Success Principle" shares the
following:
"You are responsible for everything that does or doesn't
happen to you."
He goes on to share specific questions we need to ask
ourselves to understand our part in every situation, emotion
or outcome we experience. He shares:
* How did I create that?
* What was I thinking?
* What were my beliefs?
* What did I say or not say?
* What did I do or not do to create the result?
* How did I get the other person to act that way?
* What do I need to do differently next time to get the
results I want?
Facing the truth is really hard. I know. It is so much
easier to:
* Blame the economy for our personal financial condition
* Say that weight we put on was because the food was so good
* Say the heart condition is a result of our incredible stress
* Blame another person.
Stuff does happen. Accidents happen and tragedies occur,
however, how you deal with them and how you react to them
determines the outcome you experience in life. That is your
responsibility.
You can keep on experiencing the same or similar thing over
and over, until one day you realize that you can change,
really change, how you think about the experience and the
outcome your receive.
Once you take responsibility for your actions then you are
set free to find solutions. Often those solutions appear as
different ways of behaving, different perceptions of the
same situation and different desires that lead you to a new
life, usually a better life.
Of course this takes courage. It takes courage to say what
needs to be said or take an action that would put you out of
your comfort zone. It is when you do that that magic happens.
I have an artist friend. She is incredibly talented. She
makes the most amazing pieces of art. Her ability to see the
magnificence in a simple leaf, or see the brilliant beauty
of sunlight hitting a tree stump and transforming those
images into a photograph is extraordinary. Her work is amazing.
However she thinks it is ordinary, no big thing. She can
never imagine that her pictures move to people to an
emotional high. Or that people remember the pictures and use
those images to feel good about life. Only a few people ever
get to experience their beauty because she doesn't see her
talent as a gift.
If she did see her talent as a gift and took 100 %
responsibility for sharing her talent with the world what
would she do differently?
* She would share her pictures
* She would be willing to face tough times because her
pictures 'had' to be shared
* She would endure cocktail parties at art functions where
her work was displayed
* She would take pictures, lots of pictures and have them copied
* She would her pictures up everywhere so people would see them
No one can do that for her -- because she has to take 100%
responsibility for her gifts.
How about you? Are you taking 100% responsibility for your
gifts and talents? Are asking yourself the questions that
Jack Canfield posed about your life?
Only you can take responsibility. You can point fingers,
blame others or avoid taking action. The consequences are
the result of those actions.
The ultimate question is -- are you happy, joyous, thrilled
with your life? Are you doing everything you can to be who
you want to be? Take 100% responsibility and live well.
Finger pointing at others for the conditions that we are
experiencing. The truth is that we, you and I, have to take
one hundred percent responsibility for the condition that we
are in. I'm talking about what is happening in your world,
mind, home, job, family and finances.
You are 100% responsible for what you have. You made certain
choices along the way that resulted in what you are
experiencing right now. The condition you are in physically,
intellectually, fiscally, emotionally, spiritually is 100%
your responsibility.
Jack Canfield in his book "The Success Principle" shares the
following:
"You are responsible for everything that does or doesn't
happen to you."
He goes on to share specific questions we need to ask
ourselves to understand our part in every situation, emotion
or outcome we experience. He shares:
* How did I create that?
* What was I thinking?
* What were my beliefs?
* What did I say or not say?
* What did I do or not do to create the result?
* How did I get the other person to act that way?
* What do I need to do differently next time to get the
results I want?
Facing the truth is really hard. I know. It is so much
easier to:
* Blame the economy for our personal financial condition
* Say that weight we put on was because the food was so good
* Say the heart condition is a result of our incredible stress
* Blame another person.
Stuff does happen. Accidents happen and tragedies occur,
however, how you deal with them and how you react to them
determines the outcome you experience in life. That is your
responsibility.
You can keep on experiencing the same or similar thing over
and over, until one day you realize that you can change,
really change, how you think about the experience and the
outcome your receive.
Once you take responsibility for your actions then you are
set free to find solutions. Often those solutions appear as
different ways of behaving, different perceptions of the
same situation and different desires that lead you to a new
life, usually a better life.
Of course this takes courage. It takes courage to say what
needs to be said or take an action that would put you out of
your comfort zone. It is when you do that that magic happens.
I have an artist friend. She is incredibly talented. She
makes the most amazing pieces of art. Her ability to see the
magnificence in a simple leaf, or see the brilliant beauty
of sunlight hitting a tree stump and transforming those
images into a photograph is extraordinary. Her work is amazing.
However she thinks it is ordinary, no big thing. She can
never imagine that her pictures move to people to an
emotional high. Or that people remember the pictures and use
those images to feel good about life. Only a few people ever
get to experience their beauty because she doesn't see her
talent as a gift.
If she did see her talent as a gift and took 100 %
responsibility for sharing her talent with the world what
would she do differently?
* She would share her pictures
* She would be willing to face tough times because her
pictures 'had' to be shared
* She would endure cocktail parties at art functions where
her work was displayed
* She would take pictures, lots of pictures and have them copied
* She would her pictures up everywhere so people would see them
No one can do that for her -- because she has to take 100%
responsibility for her gifts.
How about you? Are you taking 100% responsibility for your
gifts and talents? Are asking yourself the questions that
Jack Canfield posed about your life?
Only you can take responsibility. You can point fingers,
blame others or avoid taking action. The consequences are
the result of those actions.
The ultimate question is -- are you happy, joyous, thrilled
with your life? Are you doing everything you can to be who
you want to be? Take 100% responsibility and live well.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Warriors 2010 started by Rudi Viljoen
A month ago on the 7th of February, I met a group of 29 young people from different backgrounds, cultures, languages, values and countries, the 2010 Warriors intake. With some reserve and uncertainties, each one of them were looking forward to the Warriors journey ahead. I could see the "what have I let myself into?" and "how will I cope with this group of people?" concerns in some eyes. I could sense the labeling process as each one of them started analyzing the others, deciding if this one or that one is cool or nerdy, etc. Each one of them wondering if they are going to fit in, if they are going to be accepted, if they are good enough to make it.
Looking at them today, I can only stand in amazement at the miracle that has played of in front of my eyes. No more concerns about their differences, their cultures, their "OK'ness", their need to be accepted, their need to be cool. All of these have been replaced by an absolute knowing that they are ok, that they have what it takes and that life is an amazing adventure if you choose it to be. In a very short time the group has bonded and a strong sense of unity and brotherhood has developed.
After the first part of the Toltec workshop the BIG "shavethon", further confirmed the transformation process and with a new sense of life and adventure they took on the beautiful three day Blyde-Canyon hike in Mpumalanga. Here they had their first opportunity to take note of their re-active language and the results that it produced. Most of them became aware of the power of pro-active thinking, language, and action. Perhaps for the first time in their lives, they started to realize that they could change their world purely by changing the lens through which they filter their thoughts and pictures. By feeding and practicing their pro-active habits, the universe conspires, applauds and supports them in all their endeavors.
Playing the game of life with a abundance and win/win mentality as the only true winning strategy, challenged them to move outside of their comfort zone and operate in their courage zone, creating new possibilities as well as responsibilities.
Sabie, created a space for the group to get to know each other in a more relaxed environment and to get of the detox program. Big swing, canopy tours, caving, gold panning, Pelgrimsrest, waterfalls, etc added to the adventure and experiences. Hosting the UK group for one evening gave the group an opportunity to share their experiences
Toltec two started on Wednesday the 24th February. The Warriors took great advantage of the opportunity to deal with the negative past experiences and to create a new foundation to operate from.
What an amazing privilege to work and share with such a great group of young adults and parents who supports what we do.
For photos and daily updates, follow us on facebook
Looking at them today, I can only stand in amazement at the miracle that has played of in front of my eyes. No more concerns about their differences, their cultures, their "OK'ness", their need to be accepted, their need to be cool. All of these have been replaced by an absolute knowing that they are ok, that they have what it takes and that life is an amazing adventure if you choose it to be. In a very short time the group has bonded and a strong sense of unity and brotherhood has developed.
After the first part of the Toltec workshop the BIG "shavethon", further confirmed the transformation process and with a new sense of life and adventure they took on the beautiful three day Blyde-Canyon hike in Mpumalanga. Here they had their first opportunity to take note of their re-active language and the results that it produced. Most of them became aware of the power of pro-active thinking, language, and action. Perhaps for the first time in their lives, they started to realize that they could change their world purely by changing the lens through which they filter their thoughts and pictures. By feeding and practicing their pro-active habits, the universe conspires, applauds and supports them in all their endeavors.
Playing the game of life with a abundance and win/win mentality as the only true winning strategy, challenged them to move outside of their comfort zone and operate in their courage zone, creating new possibilities as well as responsibilities.
Sabie, created a space for the group to get to know each other in a more relaxed environment and to get of the detox program. Big swing, canopy tours, caving, gold panning, Pelgrimsrest, waterfalls, etc added to the adventure and experiences. Hosting the UK group for one evening gave the group an opportunity to share their experiences
Toltec two started on Wednesday the 24th February. The Warriors took great advantage of the opportunity to deal with the negative past experiences and to create a new foundation to operate from.
What an amazing privilege to work and share with such a great group of young adults and parents who supports what we do.
For photos and daily updates, follow us on facebook
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Warriors 2010, kick of on the 7th Feb 2010
From all the 2009 Warriors, a BIG,BIG, welcome to all the 2010 Warriors, their families and friends. We know that you are going to have a incredible year and we wish you the very best.
Please subscribe to this log and support us during our amazing 2010 adventures. fasten your seat belts, it is gonna be fast, and full of adrenaline.
On the photo is the 2009 Warriors at the Rotaract Induction Ceremony
Please subscribe to this log and support us during our amazing 2010 adventures. fasten your seat belts, it is gonna be fast, and full of adrenaline.
On the photo is the 2009 Warriors at the Rotaract Induction Ceremony
Remember to join our facebook page where we will post most of the photos and comments as it happens.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
